The very first Thanksgiving was so hard. I couldn't bring myself to leave our house to go celebrate with family. It felt like I was leaving him behind. Alone and forgotten...I just couldn't bare it. So the kids and I had a huge dinner at home and then went to the movies after. It was a good day. Relaxed and happy. Thus, the new tradition of Thanksgiving being just about us, in our home was established. Anyone is welcome to join, we just feel good here.
As the days and weeks pass after his birthday, I always have that little bit of nervous, unsettled feeling in my stomach. I question myself over and over whether I am doing a good job making the holidays as special as when Daddy was here. Are my kids happy enough? Are they loved enough? Am I enough?
I know the answer is yes....the problem lies in the fact that no matter what, the enough isn't enough because of the hole left behind without our Daddy here. He loved the holidays and loved seeing the happiness in our faces. He lit up when the kids made the Santa list and shouted out at every TV commercial the must haves. "Daddy I want that!" said a hundred times a day just made him laugh and his response was always, "ok" with a little wink my way.
I do love the holidays still and make them just as big and glorious as I can. Memories of the past and hope for the future. But even so, when you see the smile on my face and hear me speak of holiday plans, just remember that deep inside I am a wee bit of a mess. My world is still spinning but it is titling on it's axis and I feel I may fly off at any moment! So, if you are a praying friend, say a few extra for me. I need to keep my sanity for a few more years.
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